I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
