Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
