smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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