Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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