Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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