maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
