dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
