so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
