He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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