About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
