The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
