So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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