I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
