I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
