I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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