So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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