went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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