Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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