Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
