Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
how drunk are you?
Several
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
