shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
