He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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