Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
