the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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