Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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