I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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