How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
