i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
