I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
