I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
