Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
