I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
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It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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