dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
