this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
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