I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
