I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
