Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
