I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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