Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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