And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
