He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I need water and some morals
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
