It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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