All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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