You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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