Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
