I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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