if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
