You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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