from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
