i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
