He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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