So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
