He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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