Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
