I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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